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The boss keeps talking about a company 401k ... I don`t think I can run that far
If I was a Jedi there is a 100% chance that I would use the Force inappropriately.
I realized I eat too much fast food so I decided I would start cooking for myself. Does anyone here know how to "mcnugget" a chicken?
I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.
I`d be vegetarian ... if bacon grew on trees.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Someday, I`ll live in my OWN basement!
Remember when AT&T told you to "reach out and touch someone" and you ended up with that restraining order? ... Good times!
When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn`t doing the same thing.
I wonder if there are any times on the clock that I have never seen.
Bulimia: Twice the taste. Zero Calories.
I like to gaze up at the stars at night and think about how somewhere there is intelligent life that hates doing laundry as much as I do.
Given enough coffee, I believe I could rule the world.
Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn’t have borrowed all that money.
Is there really a need for constipation medicines and stool softeners in a world where burritos and tacos exist?