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Aging is inevitable, Maturing is optional.
I`m not upset because it`s Monday, I`m upset because I have to wear pants
Just got a new phone. Pretty pissed all my contacts were not lost.
It’s not that I don’t care what you’re saying; I was just thinking about food.
Please: No,No.No-More about how you think relationships should be: we`ve got it , Your Single,,- get off facebook and go take your own expert advise...
decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
How to tell if your wife is mad at you - Step 1. She is
It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married, right?
What is this `wrong hole` you people speak of?
I`ll make better mistakes tomorrow.
The well behaved rarely make history.
Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.
Studies show than men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. See, it`s a survival thing.
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
If my walls could talk, they`d probably say "stop running into me you idiot"