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The discharge paperwork at the hospital seems to be expedited a little quicker if you roam up and down the hall with the back of your hospital gown untied.
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
Those teardrop tattoos mean you cried during the notebook, right?
You will never find the right person, if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Life is different in Christian frats: “You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.” “Way to save it for marriage, bro.” *fist bump*
After the doctor left the exam room from my prostate exam. The nurse came in with three words I didn`t want to hear. "Who was that?"
Oh, you fell in love?! I fell in my bathtub.
If he uses an iPhone 5 in Taken 3 he`s going to be spending half the movie charging it.
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it`s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with!!
I`m so good, I scream my own name out during sex.
If the Sahara Desert had a motto it would be "Long time, no sea."
And remember friends, condoms aren`t always protective....my friend was wearing one and he fell down the stairs
I hope daylight savings time doesnt throw me off my schedule of doing nothing.
There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.