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Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
That awkward moment when you’re laughing so hard, you accidentally hit your head on something..
Water is life; without it we wouldn’t have coffee, whiskey or beer.
I got a Rolex for my birthday from my lesbian friends. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
Last time I saw jugs that big, 2 hillbillies were blowing on them.
It`s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
I don’t have a problem with friends who ask to borrow money. I love a good laugh as much as the next guy.
You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called “going commando”? It seems to me it wouldn’t be useful in a combat situation.
I see you’re playing stupid. Looks like you’re winning too.
Unless you are selling Thin Mints, don’t ever knock on my door.
Be nice to your kids. They get to choose your nursing home.
If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way I told you to.
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.
If you think husbands aren`t good listeners, whisper "Come here, I`m naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.