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You can tell a lot about a womans mood by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she`s probably angry.
Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions.
I`d say I`m not a morning person but I`m really not sure I`m an evening person either.
I wish I could talk to donkeys so I could be known as the ass whisperer.
Days are short in December but spending them with family really stretches them out.
It`s hard to compliment a fake person without lying.
Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.
Is everything expensive or am I just poor?
Nobody wished me a happy birthday today, which isn´t surprising really, since it isn´t my birthday.
B!tch Please, your only fan is the one on your ceiling.
I wonder if the girls on "16 and pregnant," will come back on "32 and a Grandma."
When I say I can cook, I mean I can melt cheese on stuff.
Write me your opinions on this extra soft paper and leave it next to my toilet.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.