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I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
When pornstars get up to speak in front of a large group, do they picture people with their clothes on?
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
I don’t like being told what to do unless I’m naked.
Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m a jerk.
I got 99 problems but a least my name aint North West.
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
Hooters does have hot girls, but the Subway girls are the real wife material.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
Working in retail has taught me that the customer is always right. At least while they`re in earshot...
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey but i turned myself around and THAT`S what it`s all about
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.
Don`t worry about walking a mile in my shows. Try a day thinking in head.
BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.