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I have something on my mind but I am not telling you, Facebook.
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$
My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to get fat.
Your eyes are so beautiful. If you look deep enough i can see my own reflection...
At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people.
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my phone. 1. I don`t have a girlfriend.
Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”?
You pay more attention to the TV than you do me! - Ma`am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?
I dreamt that was dreaming, and then someone woke me up and told me I was dreaming but it turned out I had only dreamed that so I went back to sleep in my dream, all upset that my dream that I was dreaming was interrupted by another dream....hahahahaha.....whoa, need to lay off the Red Bull.
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
It’s funny how “You’re so funny” turns into “You think everything’s a f*cking joke” in just 3 months…
Played hide and seek today. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off of the leash.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket. Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.