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They say the camera adds 10lbs. Stop eating cameras!
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude. Church is boring.
Person: You`re blocking the view. Me: B!tch, I am the view!
We all have that friend who acts innocent but understands all the dirty jokes.
It’s strange to think that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals desperately trying to get laid.
My Dr said I am a sex addict. I ask him how he knew and he said you are a man.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
It must be really hard to judge wet t-shirt contests. I saw one recently, and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I’M ENGAGED…..to be hungover tomorrow.
I’m not getting old. I’m becoming a classic.
Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house, but that fly is dead.
I hate it when old people poke you at weddings and say you`re next. So I`ve started poking them at funerals
She calls it cuddling. I call it strategic body placement for the war of the covers that is about to take place.