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You`re as useless as a referee in the WWE
There is a huge difference between a hot girl and a girl wearing lesser clothes.
For every bad idea you have, I’m always there to tell you…I’m in.
take me drunk i`m home
Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
Nuclear physicists can be lots of fun. They`re often referred to as the half life of any party.
McDonald’s Management Rule #23: “The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times.”
"Go left at the chopsticks in the road" - Chinese directions
I just saw a man salute the Budweiser truck on the highway. LMAO
If someone doesn`t return your texts, relax and remember they`re probably just busy not liking you.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling
Ever notice how it`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes?