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The statement ‘Hey! Calm down!’ has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down.
I feel like I`m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don`t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Think about the nicest thing anyone`s ever said about you. Not really true, right?
When she says she`s madly in love with you, concentrate more on the word madness.
Thanks, resealable packaging, but I think we both know that won`t be necessary.
Some people just lack the ability to realize that everyone in the room wants them to shut up.
"Please don`t do this." - my voice mail greeting
When things get to stressful I hit the jim.......... Beam.
I never said "you were stupid" I said "you are stupid", there`s nothing past tense about it!
I enjoy a bit of unnecessary swearing as much as the next f*cker.
Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.
In Canada, she`s Kilometery Cyrus.
You`re never too old to ride in a radio flyer wagon but apparently you can be too fat.
Cooking tip of the day: Rub your eyes BEFORE you dice the jalapenos...
Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.