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I had s*x with my friend`s wife last night and now I feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
Why must the phrase, "It is none of my business" always be followed by, "but"?
My wife was afraid of the dark......then she saw me naked.........now she is afraid of the light.
Scientists have discovered that at least 50 percent of fat people’s BMI is made up of excuses...
It should cost $10 to leave someone a voicemail.
If Apple really want to introduce something new and "innovative" they should just release a longer charger.
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
Do gun manuals haue a trouble shooting section?
Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
Even if your not successful in life , You are guaranteed to get two certificates
drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is...
I need to do laundry so bad I`m actually wearing Christmas stockings
Apparently saying, "You mad, bro?" is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Learning to "stop drop and roll" in elementary school lead me to believe catching on fire would be a much more frequent problem in life.
The opposite of "tying the knot" is "no strings attached"