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They sell Harvard shirts at Target so that’s a good way to save $ 399,984.05.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
You can tell a lot from a woman by her hands. For instance, if they`re placed around your throat she`s probably slightly upset.
Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. I ate a pizza.
I can bench 250 lbs. And by that, I mean, I can sit myself down on a bench in a local park.
So can we just skip to summer now?
I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes, could you pick me up some booze on your way back?
If you don’t like my sense of humor please tell me… so I can laugh at you!
Trying to remain humble but I’m the most famous person in my living room right now.
Chips have little nutritional value. That’s why you need to eat the whole bag.
I am absolutely a man of my word. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the word is "Unreliable".