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I’m going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
WebMD needs to add the question "Have you eaten Taco Bell today?" when asking about stomach-related symptoms.
For daylight savings, we should move the clocks forward an hour on Monday at 9 AM so that we lose an hour of work instead of sleep.
I’m gonna have to get new pets, I’m running out of passwords.
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
What kind of wine goes best with laundry?
I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let`s just keep it in the carton, ok?
heyy lol
MY MISSION IS COMPLETE!!! I have successfully wasted a little bit of your time today :) carry on!
I dream about naps.
Thought I saw a kangaroo today but turned out to be a greyhound having a dump !
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
I just don`t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?