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I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
9 out of 10 husbands agree that their wives are always right. The 10th one hasn`t been seen since the study was conducted.
There is no such thing as a stupid question, but there are such things as stupid people who ask questions.
I think I really have an amazing butt. Every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say "what an ass.."
The key to successful relationships is not to start any.
Whenever I`m out somewhere there is a 99% chance I am thinking about going home and sleeping.
I’m sad when my food is over.
Whenever I hear that customer service calls are going to be recorded I do one of my raps because I`m too poor to pay for studio time
When a cop asks you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"
Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!?
Suddenly my prison fantasy football league just got real.
I have the ability to drive people crazy. I`m not sure if I was born with it or if I learned it. But damn am I great at it.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.
That moment of shame when an automatic door doesn`t open for you