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I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
I`m thinking about investing some serious cash in gold....or maybe some other color.
Do you ever notice that when you´re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
"You`re as crazy as your mother" is the last thing I remember saying before waking up in intensive care
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never aging is wearing the same clothes every day.
When people sit in front of me at the movies. I make a loud fart sound so they quickly move to get away from me.
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
I hate when I`m wearing my apple bottoms jeans and I can`t find boots with the fur.
One thing I think the world can agree upon… Any day when you can stay in pajamas the whole time is a good day.
Rescue helicopters should have white lights at the end of their blade so when they spin it looks a halo.
Well that’s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I’m doing
Sometime you have to hand it to short people ... because they can`t reach.
Due To ObamaCare and the poor economy Holiday Cheer this year will be distributed in Shot Glasses...
My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.
Is there really a need for constipation medicines and stool softeners in a world where burritos and tacos exist?