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LIFE TIP: The early worm gets dismembered, and eaten alive!
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k ... I don`t think I can run that far
I show my age when I`m in a club with all the 20 somethings.. Guess its because the last dance step I mastered was dancing like Gene Gene The Dancing Machine
Some people have to learn lessons the hard way. Like with a bat. A bat is hard.
If I had three wishes, I`d use one for boobs. Because I`m pretty sure I could get everything else that I wanted if I had boobs.
"Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
I just ate a Cheeto that melted perfectly in my mouth! It was Awesome! ....Until I realised that was the highlight of my day.
When people see ghosts, why aren`t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Never ask a Leper to "give you a hand", seriously, don`t........................
The only toys I was allowed to play with in the tub were the dirty dishes.
Sometimes in the morning while drinking my coffee, I think about all the people I will be pissing off.
I`ve often wondered: Who the heck is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?
I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.