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Orange Hi-C counts as a serving of fruit, right?
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they`d leave that one on too.
Thanks to Facebook, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Never send in a beer to do the work of a tequila shot.
I hate how my friends are always trying to convince me to do extreme activities. Like bungee jumping, skydiving or leaving the house.
My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory
Being able to eat while watching Hannibal makes you more of a psychopath than anyone on the show.
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
Just bent over to pick up a beer that rolled out of the fridge and realized yoga is exhausting
The man who created the Thesaurus has died. He`ll be fondly remembered, commemorated, memorialized, recalled and recollected.
Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.
My local news station says it gives us " news when it breaks " ...I want unbroken news!!
I`m just like you ... Only smarter and better looking.
Ok ... I just had a talk with myself, and it did not go well. Now I`m grounded.