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Sticks and stones may break my bones but words... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading toward a lowered self-esteem and irregular bowel movements.
I had four E`s and LSD last night. Such an awful start to a game of scrabble!!
I’ve been a sucker for boobies since the day I was born.
The Manning`s Thanksgiving is going to be awkward this year. "Eli, can you pass the stuffing- oh wait, you better let Peyton do it."
Why is it when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a deserted island?" , no one ever replies, "A BOAT"
If you ever feel sad remember that there’s a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.
Spent $50 on E-bay to enlarge my happy place. The creep sent me a magnifying glass.
Over the weekend I pulled a muscle getting off the couch to fetch more Doritos.
I dream of a day when a mysterious hand will pop out of the screen and b!tch-slap you silly each time you post a boring or stupid status.
Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.
Trying to untwist a twizzler is a real b*tch and this gas station cashier yelling at me isn`t helping.
If you are not sweating while doing it...then you are doing it wrong.
Want someone to stop texting you? Sleep with them.
Here`s a fun idea: Before your next party or get together, buy some liver and other cuts of meat. Put them in clear containers and put labels on them with random names ("Clarice", "Richard", etc). Then put them in your refrigerator. For even more fun, put some empty containers beside the fridge with your friends` names on them....
I don’t know how your day is going, but I just got lucky on the couch! Yep, I found a dollar!