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On a scale from 0 to insane, I`m Batman!
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics...So glad I found you all.
My inner child is a drunken whore
I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I`m not a shopaholic.
You don’t look like 200 likes in person.
I don`t always say `oops`, but when I do, it`s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
My co workers put cookies on my desk, like they`re leaving a sacrifice for an angry god.
I already want to take a nap tomorrow.
The Australian kiss is just like the French kiss but down under.
Why would I pay someone to scare me at a haunted house when I could just open a can of biscuits at home?
Heard Justin Bieber got arrested for drag racing. Sure it`s dangerous, but surely it isn`t against the law to run in high heels...
I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem. I threw my scale out.
What do the letters DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says "and I didn`t brush my teeth, either."
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea