Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a regular pigeon.
My favorite flavor of ice cream is yes.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn´t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
If you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.
Car sex is not fun...that tailpipe BURNS
Not sure if I need sex, sleep, or to punch someone in the face.
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can`t figure out who`s going to do it.
Sorry I said "What is it?" when you showed me your baby.
The more I get to know you, the more I`m convinced that you are the sole inspiration behind many medications.
I just got this sudden urge to do something productive. Wait nope, false alarm.
You mean to tell me people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
People don`t call each other jive ass turkey enough nowadays.
On a scale from 0 to insane I`m batman
I love giving orders. My favorite is "Another one. And make it a double."