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If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided, if they had built their towns big enough for another person
If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.
If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
My wife was afraid of the dark......then she saw me naked.........now she is afraid of the light.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit".
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting that you do.
I`m really tired but it`s OK. There`s a nap for that.
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
I`m about to eat gas station breakfast. Tell my family that I love them.
Eventually, the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphics.
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
"When I grow up, I want to marry a man addicted to video games" ~ No woman ever.
I like superheroes but I`d rather hang out with the villains.
I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...