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Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.
Some days I’d like to take a chainsaw and cut a few branches off my family tree.
BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
A true man is one who leaves his wife alone in cold weather and goes to watch football.
Don`t worry about old age, it doesn`t last that long.
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. Except for bodily functions...Hopefully you can control THEM. :/
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake it then you`ve got it made!
I`ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn`t need my assistance, so I`m going back to bed.
Last night a movie theatre was robbed of $1000. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal, and a box of milk duds.
Time to get Star Spangled hammered. Happy 4th you crazy Americans.
Anyone going to stare at their phones anywhere cool this weekend?
Step aside coffee… this is a job for booze.
Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it`s lettuce.
Facebook is a lot like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there`s anything good, but nothing ever changes :b