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Ever had sex while camping!? It`s intents!
Christmas came early this year! My neighbor just upgraded our internet speed... I mean his internet speed. Or whatever...
Is it wrong to swallow my multi-vitamin with a beer?
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off
I`m reading a book on anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.
If I don`t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Police ordered me to get out of my car `You`re staggering` said the officer .`you`re not to bad looking yourself` I replied
There needs to be more “damn it I missed my exit” exits.
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it
I am not real pumped up about the Super Bowl this year!
My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.
Trying to remain humble but I’m the most famous person in my living room right now.
I don`t hate you, but I hope you fall in love and get married.