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Welcome to Alzheimer`s Club. I see a lot of new faces today.
McDonald’s steps 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat in a few months
Do you guys dance in the shower too? This morning I did the robot! (I short circuited and stared at the wall for 40 minutes, broken)
Saw a girl with three lip piercings, took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better. Well…for me anyway.
I like Tuesday, it rhymes with Boozeday...
If it doesn`t include antidepressants, they shouldn`t call it a Happy Meal.
Just realized that 90% of Disney cartoons involve lying about your identity to get someone to love you.
Wonder if Jesus gets screwed out of birthday presents just because his birthday is so close to Santas?
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
Do watch out for elderly neighbours in the heat wave. They`re liable to trap you for hours and talk about the weather.
Keep scrolling , I got nothing.
Tieam... problem solved
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
There are two types of people I can`t stand. Nosy people, and people who won`t tell me what`s going on.