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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase "that sucks" was coined?
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I`m going to need those back.
I`ve been married to my wife 10 years today. Having sex with just one person in 10 years is pure dedication. I don`t know how she does it.
You look over-medicated. What`s your doctor`s name?
When I was a kid, I used to sing, `A, B, C,D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, ELEMENO, P`
You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!
You are on the list of the many things I would do for a Klondike bar.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Why is it never opportunity that`s knocking? Instead, it`s usually cops with a warrant...
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
My nickname at work is "HR wants to see you"
I`m so in Debt, I could start a Government.
College is the only time in which being poor and drunk is acceptable.
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.