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I will do a lot of things but admitting I`m cold to my wife who told me to bring a warmer jacket isn`t one of them...
My dad said if I don`t get of facebook in 3 seconds he would jab my face into the keyboahajsirksjapquebxm
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of stuff going on?
I don`t hate you, but if you we`re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I like to keep my friends close, and my attractive friends even closer.
That awkward moment, when you wake up with one sock on.
Iām not a picky eater or anything but I will look at both sides of a Dorito before I eat it to decide if its got a good cheesy dust ratio.
I think there are great benefits in remaining strangers.
I wonder if the psycho hitchhiker ever gets picked up by the psycho driver. Now there`s a movie I`d pay to see.
I don`t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Iād slap you but Iām pretty sure they would call it animal cruelty.
Next time you`re in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for infectious diseases.
The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.
You`re beautiful until your Photoshop 30 day trial has gone.
Try this... When leaving a fancy restaurant tell the people coming in "I recommend you try the donkey, snail or the squirrel".