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I may look like I`m doing nothing, but in my head I`m quite busy.
If there’s one piece of advice I can give you it’s to marry someone who has a different favorite cereal than you so they wont eat all of yours.
If Google can`t find the answer, it`s not a question.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-a$$ing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
PRO TIP: Date someone who doesn`t drink vodka so she won`t drink all of yours.
I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to them.
Interviewer: Have any weaknesses? Me: Bullets I: No, I mean… M: Knives I: I don’t think y… M: probably evil dragons I: … M: Focusing.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash.
Id explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy.
If I pretend to be dead will you stop talking?
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don`t even have a battery in my smoke detector...
Not to brag or anything, but I don`t need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. :)
Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.