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How the hell do you call Batman during the day?
Modern video games are giving kids unrealistic standards of how many swords they can carry at one time.
Just heard about the Obamacare deadline and I`m freaking out. I have so many questions. Who is Obama?
Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.
I`m too lazy to be a stalker. You`ll have to come here. Bring coffee.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I`ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I`ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
We`re all brave until we realize the cockroach has wings
I do marathons ... on Netflix.
If you have fewer than 25 FB friends. Please unfriend me because thats just embarassing and I dont want to be on your "loser" list.
If you`ve Liked more than 15 of my posts over the past year, I assume you`re okay with me putting you down as a personal reference on this job application, k?
My 12 step program means parking closer to the bar.
Anyone want to be fake engaged for two hours so we can eat cake samples?
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"