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I`m like the stink in your feet.....I will always be with you.
When I was little we didn`t have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.
I`m "oh my god, gag me with a spoon" years old.
If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5`9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
My definition of" Armed and Dangerous" is: a pissed off wife with a bottle of wine, and the credit cards.
Right before I die, my last words will be, "I left a million dollars in the........
I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?
Why do they call it "hiring a hitman" and not "ordering takeout"
I hate it when I get too drunk and just kidding I never hate getting drunk!
No, no, no, you don`t have to engage in a long explanation of why you`re single. We`ve spent five minutes together, I think I`ve got it.
Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
Who is the genius that decided Little League uniforms be white? My guess is Tide laundry detergent.
I`m glad I don`t work in an office. I can only imagine the smell at lunch time when everybody opens their egg salad sandwiches today.