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If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$
If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I`ll ALWAYS assume you woke up every 2 hours, pissed yourself and cried for your mommy.
I’m just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.
Marriage is like playing Monopoly. It starts out as fun, gets a little boring, then someone steals money from the bank and no one ever wins.
there`s only 2 things in life you have control in changing that is your attitude and a kids diaper.. which at times both can be the equivalent of the other..
I fart because it`s the only gas I can afford.
You call it free samples, I call it a free all you can eat buffet.
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling as I butter a donut
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase Regards again.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead...
I live in fear of finding hidden cameras in my house & not being able to explain why I do all those random karate kicks directed at no one.
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"
Yeah... I may be old... But I`m still hot..... They just come in flashes now!
If Welch’s is 100% Grape Juice, then why the heck do you list 4 other ingredients?