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I don`t care about your status...
If there is no chocolate in heaven...I AM NOT GOING!
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.
If you`re one in a million, there are more than 7,000 of you.
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
If your boyfriend answers your text while playing GTA, he doesn`t love you. He just died on the game.
When someone shows you they don`t want to be a part of your life, let them go. I`m not saying you can`t make a voodoo doll of them, though.
Next time a conspiracy theorist says, "That`s what they want you to think," say, "No, but that`s what they wanted you to tell me."
I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations.
I spent yesterday painting some kickass flames on a car. I bet whoever owns it was stoked when they came out of the mall.
Buying my wife a matching belt and bag for her birthday. We`ll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time.
They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".
My To-Do list for today is just a bunch of things I wanna eat.