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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life.
What can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon?
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I am a drinker ... Hear me pour
Roses are red, violets are blue, If your parents told you you`re beautiful, they`re lyin to you..:D
You can´t trust dogs to watch your food.
Literally saw someone get a tattoo of a camel on their toe.
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
My ex said he would die for me. All I`m saying is, it was his suggestion.
10 times out of 9, you’ll find me exaggerating about something
I already know that I`m going to hell ... At this point it`s really go big or go home.
Boobs make me forget about all the bad things in the world.