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This is just a quick shout-out to bread bowls, waffle cones and other edible containers. You guys are doing a great job.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
Guns don`t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I wonder how long I’d be on hold if my call wasn’t important to them...
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
If your talking behind my back then guess what? Your in a pretty good position to kiss my a$$!!!!
Please don`t make me choose between you and porn.
Picture a scavenger hunt where the only items on the list are "your house keys" and "your house." Well, son, that`s what drinking is like.
Even if you don`t pay, they`ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
I thought there`d be more sex during my sexual prime.
I`m running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse?
Facebook is a lot like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there`s anything good, but nothing ever changes :b
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?