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Checked myself for ticks ... but I didn`t hear anything.
I wish I could talk to donkeys so I could be known as the ass whisperer.
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
Nothing says "party" like a red plastic cup.
Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you put your finger in their mouth when they yawn.
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
Iām amazing in bed. I have the ability to stay there all day.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away
The easiest way to escape a conversation is to interrupt the other person and say "this conversation is going great" every few seconds
I finally finished my 4,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. It reads- " Get a life you sad F**k "
Unless my horoscope says, "You will dread going to work and will most likely masturbate," then it is a crock of sh*t.
It`s always darkest before the dawn. So if you`re going steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s be the time to do it.
You know a guy likes you when his pants give you a thumbs up ;)
I just want you to be happy. And naked.
I can`t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment