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I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics...So glad I found you all.
Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re making my pizza & you say "This guy looks like he wants extra cheese" then please do..
You know it`s a good night when you wake up with gum in your bellybutton.
I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
Just once I wanna see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f**k..."
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
If my body was a car, I`d trade it in for a newer model. Cause everytime I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and my exhaust backfires.
Comment if you think I`m normal... Like this if you think I`m crazy... Copy this if you know your crazy too! And if your me... OMG TURKEY SQUIRREL! :)
If your wife has 2 phones, save both numbers under one name : “Wife” Never save them as "Wife1" and “Wife2" ~ a husband from the hospital
There’s always that last setting on your windshield wipers that makes you go “damn, calm the f*ck down!”
Cops love donuts…. just not when you do them on a four lane highway.
Slightly used Christmas tree only one month old. Paid $60. Looking for $40. No low ballers. Serious inquiries only. Come on let`s get this thing done.
<-- Is my name! Isn`t it awesome!?
going to mcdonalds for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug