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Stovetop Directions: 1.) Use microwave.
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of of there would make him gay, haha problem solved ....
Goodnight friends, strangers, pervs, weirdos and a$$holes, and anybody else I left out.
There`s an emoji for eggplants but not for popcorn and this is why trusting people isn`t just hard, it`s impossible.
I had a Dr. appointment this morning. He asked me how many beers I drink. I held out my hand and said this one is only my 4th, I`ll call you back later with the total.
My life coach is the cashier at the liquor store.
Today is "National Take Your Flask To Work Day." ... I just made it up. Tell the others.
Well that`s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I`m doing.
Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn`t want to go to the store...
I don`t lift so maybe I`m wrong about this, but I feel like Popeye might be focusing on his forearms too much.
"Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?" -chickens
This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she`s never broken a lawnmower before.
Did you know that DNA actually stands for "National Dislectic Association"
A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, `What would Jesus do?`, so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.
If zombies attack the world, everyone will run and hide. Except for us gamers, of course. We`ve been waiting for this all our lives!