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I`m at my most relaxed around dogs and prescription drugs.
"I love Justin bieber" well I love McDonalds but you don`t see me making an account pretending to be a f*cking chicken nugget do you...
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
You will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
I`ve grown up a lot recently. For example, I used to drink beer all day and now I drink wine.
Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes. I was 12.
I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it
Secretly replaced the bacon with beggin` strips. Let`s see if the customers notice.
If only mosquitoes sucked fat, instead of blood.
If I could turn snarky sarcasm into a paying job, I could be employed for infinity.
is it rude to throw a breath-mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?
My therapist goes to her therapist five minutes after I leave.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don`t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.