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Kill them with kindness ..and then fart as you walk away
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and a crappy party host.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn`t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and Iām still not happy
Don`t look at me in that tone of voice...
I would eat a lot more salads if they were made out of pizza.
Go ahead caller 9!!
If you didn`t want to be hit with a shovel then you never should have started telling me about your problems.
8 more days and I will finally get rid of last years Halloween candy.
My fridge is so full of beer ... I`m going to have to drink my way back to the food or starve.
Living out of your car isn`t so bad if you keep telling yourself you`re "on tour"
I`m so proud of myself, I spent all night putting my Christmas decorations up myself.. I`m now at the hospital having them removed
Dear Lord, Thanks for making me funny. Especially since you didn`t give me much else to work with.
I`m tired of making the same mistakes over and over again. Does anyone have any new mistakes I can borrow?