Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
One trenta cheeseburger please.
People say "Happy Thanksgiving" which is nice, but then they ruin it by saying "Don`t eat too much". Do they want me to have a Happy Thanksgiving or not?
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew..
Comcast is doing home security now so if your house is being robbed they will get the police there on Tuesday between the hours of 8 & 12.
Lets be honest. Half of life is messing up and half is frantically trying to fix it.
Own the day
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I`m not beating her.
Bowling is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
Don’t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I’ve changed since then.
Well I just finished up some spring cleaning. Holy crap, owning a Slinky can be such a hassle.
Given how enormous the universe is, I assume there’s an alien out there who does a mocking impression of me. Screw you, alien.
If you forget your hook-up’s name, just take them to Starbuck’s in the morning.
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
I don`t make enough money to go on vacation so I`m just going to get drunk this weekend until I don`t know where I am.
when i die i want to be thrown out of an airplane with a superman costume