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Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
Now that I`ve maxed out my 401k for the year, I`ll get a tattoo, said no one ever.
From now on when skinny girls say they`re fat I`m just gonna be like, "Yup" & walk away.
It makes me sad that so many women feel like they have to wear makeup and clothes.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you have incriminating evidence.
I’m exhausted just thinking of everything I have to do.
My day at work wasn`t easy, I just made it look that way!
I`m combining Easter and April Fools day this year - I`m sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven`t hidden.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they`re the problem is the other half.
Always finish your beer. There`s sober kids in Africa.
Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant
Over the weekend I pulled a muscle getting off the couch to fetch more Doritos.
Why aren’t mustaches called mouth brows?
If you really want to know how she feels about you, get her drunk & then piss her off.
The early bird gets the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.