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When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
This time change has me all messed up. Driving with my hands at 11 and 3 is hard
Just so we’re on the same page, I’m on 43.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point when she turned around and found out I was walking her home.
When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.
I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.
Question: : What do you get if you add human DNA to a goat? ... Answer: Kicked out of the petting zoo
I`d have better people skills if I worked with better people.
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I’m always ready for bed
It is amazing how quickly kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, dishwasher, or vacuum cleaner.
Cheers to alcohol! The cause of, and solution, to all of life’s problems!
This is the only way I know how to correctly use a semi-colon ;)
My body needs a refresh button.
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!
You seem awesome. I can`t wait to find out what I hate about you.