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Damn boy! Are you a slinky? Cause I wanna wanna push you down a flight of stairs, then kick you when you stop halfway to the bottom.
I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
The more I drink, the more I realize how much more I still want to drink.
Been waiting at the pub for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How long does it take to have a baby, for Christs sake.
Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn’t listening to begin with.
I am, have to avoid the leg cramps during sex, years old.
Was shopping when a small child riding shotgun in a shopping cart yelling "why you ain`t got no babies?"I bet my father in law paid her
I couldn`t be on a reality show because I wouldn`t want my mom to see how many times I make the jerk-off motion when we talk on the phone
When i see a person hailing a cab, i run quickly by them and slap them a high five just to boost their enthusiasm!
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Crayons are a lot like M & M`s, all the colors taste the same.
I will probably die as a result of being sarcastic to the wrong person at the wrong time.
Since joining Facebook, about 8 aggressive lampposts have walked up to me in the street and punched me in the face.
With all the new car technology you would think someone could invent a side mirror that could show where an object actually appears.
What did I get for Christmas? Fat...