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I just had a conversation with my-self...but it just turned into an argument. I think it`s that time of the month...
Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that`s what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)
When pornstars get up to speak in front of a large group, do they picture people with their clothes on?
If you want your team to win a sporting event just tell me. I will root for the other team. That will guarantee a win for your team.
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won´t spoil me.
A poem about me: I hate mornings. I wish I was drunk. The End.
Being able to eat while watching Hannibal makes you more of a psychopath than anyone on the show.
I`m off to get my beauty sleep. Yeah, I know...I`m already so beautiful you can`t stand it! I promise...a little more isn`t lethal...yet! ;) Goodnight!
It is amazing how quickly kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, dishwasher, or vacuum cleaner.
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.
Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don`t want people to recognize me when I`m pooping.
Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.
The early bird needs a punch in the throat.
I´m up way too early for someone who wasn´t planning on seizing the day.