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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Sorry I got drunk and said and did everything I wanted to say and do.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don`t like because can`t afford voodoo dolls.
Dating would be a lot easier if the opposite sex had a tail. That way, I could see if it was wagging or not after I did or said something.
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while it´s still snowing
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Does anyone know when is the cut-off date to stop wishing someone Happy New Years?
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
If I’m not eating I’m most likely not happy.
Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take, I`ll be watching you. - Dog
The statement `Hey! Calm down!` has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down
OMG, what a day I had. If Monday was a guy, I`d punch him in the throat!
If you want to call a family meeting just turn off the wifi router and wait in the room in which it is located
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"