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Is it called NASCAR because that’s the way a hillbilly pronounces “nice car?”
All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
They’re called scents, not flavors, I should not able to taste your perfume or cologne.
“Until death do us part” means we’re all single in heaven, right?
I don’t understand how my house gets so messy when I literally sit in one spot with my phone all day.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn`t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I’m heading north to start a new life.
I pretend I don`t care but deep down I really still don`t care.
No, I didn`t accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.
The problem with the world is intelligent people are full of doubts, while stupid people are full of confidence.
I just blew all my party money on bills again
What is it about being blind that makes people want to walk their dog all the time?
It’s people that give drinking a bad name.
I wish there was a room where we could go and see all the stuff we have ever lost.
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.