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I`m really wanting to sit and watch a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
If Apple made a car, would it have windows?
Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.
RUN? I thought you said Rum. I quit.
From now on, all of my posts will be written in Morgan Freeman`s voice. Please re-read this one to make sure it`s working.
Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?
When I was younger I thought I was bipolar. Turns out I was just an a$$hole who was happy about it.
My ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" but I can`t drive a bus.
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
Anybody wanna go halfsies on an orgasm?
The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
This day will end with either wine or shopping. Probably both.
My own personal hell sounds great, actually
Nothing tells your friends you`ve made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.