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I took a sexual harassment course yesterday...I think I`m going to be pretty good at it.
Who needs dance lessons when you`ve got alcohol?!
Try sliding down a water slide without running water to realize how important foreplay is
Salad tastes pretty good once you add some pizza and get rid of the salad.
I’m the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I’m asleep.
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself." ~5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
You call it "Blacking Out" I call it a "Surprise Nap"
My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
If you think you have problems, remember that Malaysian man who told his wife he was flying to China... and now he can`t get out of his girlfriend`s apartment...
Sorry if my phone keeps calling you, it`s voice activated. I`m at the mall and everytime santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, it dials your number
Life is like a teenager`s p@nis. some are short, some are long, but it is always hard.
So many fun things to say ... too many relatives on Facebook to post!