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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
Here`s an idea...You go away and I`ll stop ignoring you.
In some ways I’m just like a dog…. I can’t be trusted around unsupervised food.
"Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I`d been invited to an autopsy.
Sorry for illegally downloading your music, guy who mostly makes songs about doing crime.
I wish Noah would have swatted those two mosquitoes.
The best nights are those when it never crosses your mind to update your Facebook status.
I’m pretty sure I could start a new life with only the crap in my car.
The fact that Google autocompletes all of my questions just reaffirms how unoriginal all my problems are.
I always try to learn from the mistakes of other people..... who have taken my advice
This weekend, a woman in colorado gave birth inside a Wal Mart. Apparently, its the first thing found in a Wal Mart not made in China.
Put your gossiping skills to the test, go write a novel...
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
First you told me to be myself now you`re telling to me not be an idiot. Make up your mind woman!
I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.