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Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
Dear facebook, please quit asking me what`s on my mind. Eventually I`m going to get in trouble if I keep telling you.
I`m not homophobic, I love my house!
The worst thing about finding out Santa isn`t real is that you realise it was your parents who were to blame for all the terrible presents
It`s gonna be hotter than Billy Ray Cyrus after watching his daughters performance on the VMA`s tomorrow!
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don`t use words like "East."
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after the 4th sneeze…get your self together
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
I`m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
One man’s potato is another man’s vodka.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Love your enemies; after all, you made them!
One of the biggest decisions when you go to college is whether to join a fraternity or just be an asshole on your own.
It`s acceptable for someone to eat cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner as long as they still go to the gym, right? I`m asking for a friend...