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I have a new rule: No one is allowed to talk to me for a minimum of 24 hours after I wake up.
If I go sleep at 6 in the morning, does it mean I go to sleep early or late?
I would like to say to all my 500+ facebook friends, that i love each and every one of you..except you number 371..your a real a@@hole!!
Let`s go to my place and do the things I`ll tell everyone we did anyway.
I’m late for a disappointment.
There`s no rehab for stupid! ;P
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
Next time some one does something REALLY stupid, just smack them and say, "Man, did you see the size of that bug?"
Madonna is 55 her boyfriend is 22. Tina Turner is 75 her boyfriend is 40. JLo is 42 her boyfriend is 26. Still single? Relax. Your boyfriend hasn`t been born yet.
If someone found a legit way to make penises bigger, no one would believe them.
Sorry a remote fell out when you took off my bra
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
That awkward moment when the creepy guy in the white van doesn`t have candy...
You know you’re a mom, when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they will slowly kill you