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My top 5 exercises: -Jumping to conclusions -Flying off the handle -Carrying things too far -Dodging responsibilities -Pushing my luck
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
Don`t be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.
Every now and then when I`m in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you`re listening". If I`m wrong, nobody knows. If I`m right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
I`ve taken my kids all over the country, but their favorite place to be is still "in the way."
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up
No toilet paper.. goodbye socks
I get my cardio from caffeine...
No, I did not forget my password. I distinctly remember it being 8 asterisks.
Does swimming in debt count as cardio?
I wonder if these beers are performance enhancing. Iām feeling pretty awesome!!
Please be patient...I`m fcuking things up as fast as I can.
So, All my exes live in Texas; Exactly, how does one go about scheduling a tornado ?