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This is just a quick shout-out to bread bowls, waffle cones and other edible containers. You guys are doing a great job.
I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
My greatest fear is that I will accidentally use the status update bar as the search bar on my browser.
Sometimes I wanna copy someone´s status word for word and see if they notice.
I start to feel really anxious when my work piles up. I never know what to ignore first.
When I say "It’s a long story," it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Yup, she needs a walker.
HR have advised that I’m not allowed to ask my chubby co-workers if they ate my missing stapler.
How come we can put a man on the moon but we can`t made a smoke alarm that can differentiate between a house fire and cooking sausages?
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. They are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”
So the Boy Scouts are going to let girls join. Teenage boys and girls camping in the woods together. What could possibly go wrong?
Who needs Google when you’ve got a wife who knows it all?
Friending someone on Facebook and complaining about what they post is like phoning someone to tell them you don’t want to talk to them.
If your friends don’t make fun of you, they’re not your true friends.
I could never trust a psychic who hasn`t won the lottery at least once.