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Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.
I`m all over that like a fat kid on a Smarty
Lord, if I can`t be skinny, make my friends look fat.
I bought one of the "Books for Dummies" for 50% off, but I needed help to figure out what the price was.
I hate bugs that fly, jump, crawl, dougie, twerk, 2 step, all that crap.
Facebook made billions by saying “Hey, remember that kid you haven’t seen since the third grade? He’s a parent who hates Obama now.”
Mom: Clean your room. We`re having guests over for dinner. Me: I didn`t realize that dinner will be held in my room.
For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.
you know what`s funny? Obviously neither do I or I would have posted it.
Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status... After 3 it should default to "Unstable"
I will never miss you, because I`m a really good shooter.
If your conspiracy theory doesn`t involve cats and dogs, don`t bother me.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Cheered myself up earlier by putting a "no U-turn" sign in a dead-end street.
I`ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I`m actually talking to someone.