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Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.
Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn`t going according to plan.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
I was reading that it takes the average man four minutes to have sex, and he’s asleep eight minutes after that. This sounds very dangerous, because by then most men are driving home.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh!t works with bears and they`re just as dangerous as angry women.
Maybe, just once, someone will call me "Sir" without adding, "You`re making a scene."
hearing that Jesus loves you is very nice unless you`re in a Mexican prison
Me on New Years Eve: “I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”
i wasnt tht drunk u was holding a ballon thinking it was a comdom
If you pour two beers into one glass, it becomes just one beer.
All I`m saying is there`s a reason all the best love songs have the word crazy in them.
Ain`t no sunshine when she`s gone..... or sandwiches.... Ain`t no sandwiches either.
This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"