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My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
I thought I was having déjà vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service
If I have ten pieces of bacon and you take five pieces, what do you have? Thats right., A black eye and a broken hand!
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
What’s a drunken pirates worst nightmare? A sunken booty with no chest.
Sex is like pizza, if you`re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the f*ck you`re doing
If cats could talk, they`d probably always be correcting your grammar.
Farted in my wallet, Now I have gas money.
I forgot to post this earlier
Remind me why I work 40 hours a week to be this poor?
If you didn`t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.
There`s a thin line between "I should write a status about that" and "I should talk to my therapist about that"....
I can always tell when I`m drunk. I tend to drop things...like my standards
Ever wonder if we`re just a reality TV show for a more intelligent species?