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She might be ugly now, but wait a few more drinks.
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
If my computer desktop were an actual place, they would bring in blindfolded people to make a Febreeze commercial.
Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
You should probably first master the art of thinking “inside” the box
No officer, my speech isn`t slurred. I`m just talking in cursive.
I`d rather spend 5 minutes reorganizing the dishwasher, than spend the 10 seconds it takes to wash the dish that doesn`t fit.
I wish common sense was more common.
Oh look, it`s raining outside. I think I`ll go on Facebook and update all my friends that don`t have a window of their own.
Guys, want to find out all of your flaws in under a minute? Just ask your girlfriend if she`s gained weight.
These old people at the bus stop really suck at paintball.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it`s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
I can`t possibly f*ck up the entire universe, so that`s a relief.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
Current relationship status: Leaving pizza and beer in the bushes, to lure in stalkers.