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I hate when the person I Facebook-stalk never updates anything.
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach the cookies.
One person forgetting to take their medication can really liven up a mundane day at the office.
If you`ve never needed to move to a new city and assume a new identity, then we probably haven`t dated.
Sunglasses allow you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like facebook in real life.
If one of Santa`s helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?
If anybody tells you you’re putting too much Parmesan on your pasta, stop talking to them. You don’t need that negativity in your life.
A married man has 2 options in an argument...he can be right or he can be happy
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
"I`m not drunk" - Biggest Friday Night Lie.
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, "neighborhood watch" isn`t what I thought it was.
I`m at the facebook saloon, drinking all night long
I don`t get why people say "They were busting their ass"? Wasn`t it already cracked to begin with?
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
The future is that time when you’ll wish you’d done what you aren’t doing now.