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Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day’s worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I’m working.
Working from home means I save money on train tickets and pants, but spend more on vodka and pizza.
Restaurant Advertisement: We serve food as HOT as your neighbour’s wife; And beer as COLD as your own. :)
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you’ll get what you want.
This town has more white trash in it than a dumpster behind a paper plate factory
60% of women fake orgasm.. 100% of men don`t give a sh*t about it..
Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn`t seen me drunk.
Awww, look. My middle finger likes you!
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you`re hot.
Remember when the scariest thing we had to deal with was computers forgetting what year it was
Just so you know, when you repeat what you just said I won`t be listening then either.
I`m not saying you`re stupid; you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.
I am not real pumped up about the Super Bowl this year!
Alright, I give up! I`ve listened to the song like 50 times now, and I still don`t know what the fox is saying!