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No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
Tomorrow the world shall be ours! Until then, good night my evil minions!!
I`m not sure it`s possible to fill a moving truck these days without the word "Tetris" being brought into the conversation.
Just rescued a Coca Cola that was trapped in the fridge!
I’m on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle!
If there`s no god then how do you explain yoga pants?
Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the “Like” button.
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.
Advice of the day: Don`t go trick or treating at the bank. They get freaked out. Especially when it`s not Halloween
Cats have tails so you can swing them around. Duh.
HR have advised that I’m not allowed to ask my chubby co-workers if they ate my missing stapler.
Jobs are like relationships. You have them, you cry about it. You don’t have them, you cry about it.
Kids today will never know the frustration of having to rewind their dads porn tapes to the exact same spot...
You think having periods is hard? ... Try being on a 24 hour killstreak on Call of Duty with itchy balls.