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I will do a lot of things but admitting I`m cold to my wife who told me to bring a warmer jacket isn`t one of them...
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
I do not fail, I succeed at things that do not work.
Never call me creepy. You`re the only one that doesn`t even know we`re engaged.
Wouldn`t it be awesome if MTV had a show called "16 and Applying to Colleges"
My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.
My girlfriend wants to get married. I hope she finds someone nice.
The funny moment when a fat kid says "that`s how I roll".
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says “trust me, you don’t want to know.”
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight .... So I got that going for me.
Every time someone says "Have a nice day!", I yell "DON`T F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
I`m just looking for a reason not to drink
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing
Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.
I don’t know who or what is doing it, but one day I will find the thing that continues to steal one sock and destroy it.