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Do you want to know Victoria`s Secret? Their lingerie doesn`t look the same on your girlfriend as it does on their models..
first show me the benefits and then I`ll decide if we can be friends.
Call me crazy, but I don`t think I really need to be in this mental institution.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
The awkward moment when you have 10 tabs open and cannot figure out which one the music is coming from.
Karma’s only a bitch if you are.
I tried jogging this morning, but the alcohol kept spilling out of my glass, f&ck that.
Waiter, bring me a bowl of turtle soup and make it snappy.
When butterflies fall in love, do they feel humans in their stomachs.
I’m pretty sure I could start a new life with only the crap in my car.
In the 60`s we took LSD to make the world look wierd. Now the world is weird and we take Prozac to make it look normal.
Some of the happiest years of a woman`s life are when she`s 29.
Saying "cool" also means, I don`t give a sh!t.
What`s wrong with having your mind in the gutter all the time?! If it weren`t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless!!!
Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.