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My boss said we needed to find ways to save time and be more productive, so I just moved the coffee maker to my desk
I`d hate to be a dragon .....I`d get so pissed tryin to blow out my birthday candles.
I got this new calorie counting app ... Every day I go for a new high score ... Winning!
I wish I had a dollar for every dollar I don`t have.
If you can’t face it, moon it.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn`t mean to eat it. I don`t want to be a bug.
I have a life outside of internet, it involves charging my phone.
I had to explain the Goonies today... so I`m feeling super old and bitter.
Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.
My "check engine" light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.
90% of adulthood is just deleting emails.
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit end call, we would all have no friends.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Mosquito`s and parking inspectors must be from the same family...