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I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.
You women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch isn`t that bad. It`s kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping......with a really angry bear nearby.
I`m hosting a wine tasting event in my home. Well, it`s not really an event. It`s just me and three bottles of wine. No one else is invited.
On a scale of Doopers, you`re pretty Super.
Watching movies alone sucks. There´s no one to ask, "What did he just say? Who is that guy?"
1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have `lady problems` then start crying. It works even better for guys.
Your selfie would be way better if you weren`t in it.
In case of fire, do not use the elevator. Use water...
I can`t wait to be rich so I can price things from high to low instead of low to high when shopping online.
Even when I’m home alone, I still answer Jeopardy questions out loud.
So if your invited to someone`s 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?
I love that little thing that you do...You know, the one where you leave.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
You would think with all the ice water laying all over the world, it would be a lot cooler...
I robbed a bank yesterday....now the question is, what to do with all that sperm....