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As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.
The first rule of Right Club is that your wife is the only member of Right Club
Ya know u would never know u where happy if u never had bad memory.
I`m really good at making poor decisions. You`re my favorite so far.
These old people at the bus stop really suck at paintball.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
People ā the most gentle, loving, kind, sympathetic, peaceful and caring creatures in the world. Especially when they need something from you.
When I go through an automated car wash I close my eyes, because it`s easier to pretend I`m in a car that way.
My brain contains a few things I should know and the rest is just song lyrics.
The trouble with living alone is that it`s always my turn to do dishes.
Beware of the deodorants with instructions that ask you to "remove the top and push up bottom"... they could at least make them round.
They`ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that`s been open for more than 2 years.
Hello? HP? Iād like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet but you sent me a printer.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I`d be back to my birth weight.
I have a confession to make... "I want to get back with my ex"...LOL Just Kidding..."I`d rather shit in my hands and clap !"