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I would like to think that I`ll die heroic death saving someone`s life but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my shoelaces and choke on a spoonful of Nutella.
All I see on Facebook is penis, orgasm, bang him, bang her, bullwhip, masturbate, porn, tits, and then I read everyone else`s posts..
I swear this is the last time I watch Groundhog Day
I`m not insulting you, I`m describing you.
What a lovely winter we`re having this spring.
Before asking a hot chick out, I wish I could first talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
Don`t let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.
According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low…Well, sure, it’s hard to steal a car when the owner’s living in it…
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says “trust me, you don’t want to know.”
I`m too lazy to ever write a biography. Story of my life.
Like many people, I used to want to be famous, but after this year, I`m quite happy to be have been such a failure.
HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.
The only thing instant glue sticks to instantly is fingers.
If they gave out awards for laziness, I would have to send somebody to accept it for me.
I don`t get in trouble, I just get into questionable situations.