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Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
World Cup Soccer? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I`d go watch some of my single friends at the bar.
I spent an hour at Walmart last night.. I can now totally disprove evolution.. O_o
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge.
is easily distracted by shiny objects.
Mom: You haven`t moved since I left 5 hours ago? Me: Excuse me, where do you think these chips came from!!???
My ex warned me that I would never find a girl like her again....THANK GOD!
YouTube "This video is not available in your country". where the hell am I from? NARNIA?
I`m that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.
My only trick for looking younger, is when an 80`s song comes on I try to look completely confused and slightly disgusted.
No thank you, I don`t need a coaster. I won`t be putting my drink down.
Considering this is the land of the free, stuff is pretty damn expensive.
Youth is wasted on the young.
If you`re crazy and you know it shake your meds...