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Any perfume that claims it will help you seduce a man is lying if it doesn’t smell like a pizza.
Bigger isn`t always better. Thighs, for example.
I`ve grown up a lot recently. For example, I used to drink beer all day and now I drink wine.
High fiving was the original "like".
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, "I`m not crazy!" and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
If it wasn’t for profanity, I wouldn’t be a pro at anything.
Every Chrysler commercial should begin with them apologizing for the PT Cruiser.
When someone yells stop, I don`t know if it`s in the name of love, it`s hammer time, or if I should collaborate and listen.
I hate it when spiders just sit there acting like they pay rent.
I dont pay for cabs if I’m too drunk to drive. I find the nearest Dominos, order a pizza delivery to my house & ask for a ride home with it.
The closest I`ve come to camping was that one time when I fell asleep in the bushes outside your window with my camera.
My mind has a mind of its own.
When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.
Card on top of gift reads `I want you wearing this tonight` only to open the gift to find NOTHING
i just opened a fortune cookie and it started with the word unfortuneatly