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I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
I`m never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
I suffer from paranoid-schizophrenic indifference. I really don`t care what the voices in my head are saying behind my back.
You`ve never been truly drunk until you`ve had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix… Don’t drink and derive!
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problems. 99% demons.
Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.
We`re shutdown, but not `stop collecting taxes` shutdown. - the government
You know you`re married when you find her sexier with clothes on.
Being sick is your bodies way of saying “Hey, you really need to catch up on some TV”.
If you needed to wear camouflage in a gingerbread house, would you wear ginger snaps?
I sneak alcohol into work because I`m a problem solver.
If you have a Selfie Stick Pro, go back two spaces.
There are weight limits on car seats, airlines, skydiving, military, horseback riding, kayaks, and bikes……how is it there are no weight limit on high heels?