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It`s pretty stupid the way mornings have to come every morning.
I want a doorbell that makes the sound of someone knocking on the door.
Some people should use a glue stick instead of a chap stick.
If you can’t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don’t know where you are!
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik`s Cube to solve it
I`m a little stumped by this beer to pee volume ratio.
All my life I`ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
The fact that Google autocompletes all of my questions just reaffirms how unoriginal all my problems are.
When I see a hot girl walking by, I like to look at her and blink very fast and repeatedly so it looks like shes walking in slow motion. Everything is better in slow motion =)
Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don’t want her to meet her competition right away.
I am sweet, lovable, kind, shy, and innocent ... Oh, for heaven`s sake! Stop laughing!
Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I`m 82.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a dictionary, and now I`m impecunious.
Leave a comment if you`ve started drinking. Hit the `Like` button if you`re already sh!tfaced. *Cheers*