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People who can finish a shampoo bottle at the same time as their conditioner are truly ninja`s.
I have a disease called AWESOME...You don`t understand it since you don`t have it.
I hate the snow so much, I want to build a snowman just so I can punch it in its face.
I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!
My wife gives me sound advice. 99% sound. 1% advice.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".
I found a spider in my shoe. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake
I want rich people problems. Like where to land my private jet.
May your life be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
Life is short, Smile while you still have teeth.
The cop at your front door is never a stripper when you want them to be.
My rabbit died yesterday… Now he’s just some bunny that I used to know…