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Receptionist: "The doctor will see you now." Invisible Man: "Finally, a cure!"
Helpful Tip: Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
If someone hates you for no apparent reason, give them one.
If by "help you cook" you mean drink wine in the kitchen while you do the work, then yes, I`d love to help you cook.
There is no better indication of how drunk you are than how loudly you declare that you`re not.
I`m not above slashing my own tires to avoid going to this family brunch.
My neighbors wifi isn`t working. Do you think they are aware and are trying to fix it, or should I go let them know?
Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?
Finally realizing that Hotel California is about Facebook. “…you can check in anytime you like, but you can never leave…”
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born... Life is crazy...
I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth`s rotation, we were all speeding.
I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you
I’m trying to read a book about how to relax, but I keep falling asleep
Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.