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Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
Apparently, “I had an interview with a better company” is not an acceptable reason for being late for work.
Happiness is the journey, not the destination, and when you reach your destination, ie; bottom of a beer, you must embark on a new journey, ie; get another beer........
I have done some truly amazing things to get the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, `You`re only interested in one thing,` and you can`t remember what it is.
I grew up in a town where the population never changed… Every time a girl got pregnant, a guy left town
It`s been scientifically proven that originally there were only five fruit cakes ever made!
Dating a single mother.... It`s like continuing from somebody else`s saved game.
when I`m quiet, strangers look at me and think I`m shy. People who know me think: OMG! he`s thinking! EVERYBODY RUN!
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
Not to brag, but my bathroom floor is so clean I can sleep on it. Apparently.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their sh!t together.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole. jk
So it turns out being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.