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"I don`t know what the f*ck this tastes like." - first person to eat chicken.
I had s*x with my friend`s wife last night and now I feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.
Job interview: Please tell us why you’d love to work for us? ME: I need money :)
I`d be amazing at life if I was only asked to sit and play on the computer all day.
They should make an app that tells me how many Oreos I can eat for every mile I jog.
Anyone that says I`m a lover not a fighter has clearly never been in a relationship over 6 months
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
If you are what you eat then where is this place that a ton of people are eating stupid?
Stop saying I`m hard to shop for. Surely you know where the liquor store is
Today was about as much fun as a warm toilet seat in a public restroom!
*Knocks on door* Hey open up. You didn`t reply to my last 43 inbox messages & then you updated about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?
Next time I go to Hooters I`m ordering milk.
What`s the difference between a Garbanzo Bean and a Chickpea? I never had a Garbanzo Bean on my face.
Wouldn`t ventriloquists be a lot cooler if they could throw their farts?