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I like to finish all of my drive thru orders with, "And that`s for here."
In sign language, arthritis is a speech impediment.
I`m afraid to hug fat girls....what if they`re hungry?
My doctor said I`m healthy enough for sexual activity ... I`m just not attractive enough.
"Why do you hate me"? I say as I attempt to hold my cat like a baby
Don´t worry ... It only seems kinky the first time.
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink at night.
I am at the gym! Well, the parking lot. They have free wi-fi.
Why is it when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a deserted island?" , no one ever replies, "A BOAT"
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right.
Can anyone recommend a few thousand books on hoarding?
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
Thinking of opening a bar right next to a gym and call it “Decisions, Decisions”.
Those raccoons must of had one heck of a party last night!!!! That`s the 4th one I`ve seen passed out on this road
If you kept one of those jars where I`d have to put in a quarter every time I swore, you would be a billionaire by the end of the week.