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If you`re wondering about my cooking skills, I`ve been asked to bring paper towels to our family gathering.
Haters are my motivators(:
Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
Is there another word for synonym?
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
The way dogs get excited when you throw a tennis ball is the way I feel about my first beer after work.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn’t seem so bad now.
I don`t have ADHD. I have ADOLS. Attention deficit..OH LOOK! Skittles!
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took....
"Bros before hoes" is something a bro without a hoe would say.
Happy birthday to my Pet Rock who is 453,786,321 years old today!
Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well…my phone number for a start.
I’m glad to know that we will never have to worry about a lack of weathermen. I mean, I know at least a couple dozen on Facebook.