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I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny and thin. It`s a public service really.
"That wasn`t chicken in the Chow Mein" I`d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Life is Hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.
I`m sorry we fought ... I hate it when you`re wrong.
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
How did anybody express anger before the invention of the caps lock key?
gave up trying to understand women years ago. Women understand women and they hate each other.
Johnny : Pull my finger Tommy : No Johnny: "Come Bro Do IT!!" Tommy : fine ... Johnny : *SNEEZE IN THE FACE*
“Let’s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise” – sports fans
It’s amazing how everyone cries for free speech until someone says something that they don’t like.
if i get a friend request from you and your profile picture is a car i`ll asume your a transformer
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn`t move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape
Welcome to my bedroom,this is where the magic happens.....and by that I mean this is where I read my Harry Potter books.
Jealous women do better research then the FBI. True story.
So apparently airport security doesn`t like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.