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I´m not lazy, I´m just highly motivated not to do anything.
We live in a society that`s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
Hoodie Footie Pajamas from Pajamagram; because nothing tells a girl you love her like giving her something to cover up her body from head to toe before she gets in your bed.
I am a Mother hear me roar.....especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
To all my ex girlfriends. Don`t worry. I`m still an asshole.
Sometimes, when I "like" your post, it`s because my touchscreen is too sensitive and I only meant to scroll by your ass. Sometimes. ;)
My new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone`s having a party
If it doesn’t involve food or sleep, I’m probably not interested.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn`t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn`t her grandmother.
I’ve yet to be intimidated by a fancy wine list thanks to my vast knowledge of fine wines and my eeny, meeny, miny, moe system.
My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you`ll need a shovel and map to find him.
"I’m definitely going to do that tomorrow.” — Me being delusional