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Some people are normal. What an awful, boring existence that must be.
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday.
Mondays should start at noon.
People liking my status from a week ago on Facebook proves that I have stalkers.
I`ll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where`s my phone?" and it yells "Down here! In the couch cushions!"
"Just Be yourself" is something I rarely hear from people who know me well.
The problem with diets is pizza.
The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.
Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Lightning is like God`s way of saying "Get out of that tree you pervert!"
just want to point out that Cinderella is living proof that shoes can change your life!
Hey Lady!, I just deposited $43 dollars in THIS bank.. DON`T FROWN AT ME WHEN I TAKE 3 SUCKERS!
We should be thanking our Dads for bringing us into the world, not our Moms. She probably wasn`t in the mood...
is ready to have one too many!
That fact that I need sun glasses to open my fridge means my night must have been awesome.