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I know I have a long way to go but look at how far I`ve come.
It`s nice to know I`m wanted....even if it`s only by the Police!
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come to work
Adulthood is mostly about being tired and wishing you hadn’t made plans.
Whenever I`m out somewhere there is a 99% chance I am thinking about going home and sleeping.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she`s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Just saw Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter... So that`s how it happened! I knew what I learned in history class was a bunch of crap!
Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most
Why would I dance like nobody`s watching? People need to see this.
It`s fun to chant "Bloody Mary" three times into your car`s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I don`t need an excuse to drink, but thank you for giving me one.
Mini M&M`s - for when you just can`t finish an entire M&M
at my age, the best part of waking up is the fact that I did wake up
My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.