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I took a sexual harassment course yesterday...I think I`m going to be pretty good at it.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they`re empty.
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, “Close Enough.”
I`m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
someone told me I am immature and need to grow up ... so guess who is not allowed in my snow fort!!!
I took a poll recently, and 100% of strippers were angry they had nothing to dance on.
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you`re married...that`s a job!!
Don`t talk to me until I`ve had my coffee, my breakfast, lunch, juice, dinner, and at least two glasses of wine.
my friends status was "standing on the edge of a cliff" ... so I poked him
I wonder if they let me grow cannabis on Farmville, I`ll be able to sell it on Mafia Wars?
Next time a guy says he wants to fight you, just say "not in that outfit!" and roller skate away
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE!? Neighbor: Get out of my house! Me: You`re not even guessing.
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
I`ve accidentally swallowed a load of scrabble pieces.........My next poop could spell trouble.