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What`s it called when you always have a sweet tooth, but it`s only for booze?
I like the part of the day when food happens.
There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
Im thinking about writing a book about my life, I just have to wait for the statue of limitations to expire.
life is like a bed of roses just got to whatch out for the pricks
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
My 6yo`s homework today is learning how to count backwards. Yep, that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
I want the time management skills of people who effortlessly carve out entire hours to be offended by every single thing on the internet.
I`ll see your fun outdoor activity and raise you a nap.
Just got back from a job fair. Very disappointed. They didn`t have one damn ride.
Unless my horoscope says, "You will dread going to work and will most likely masturbate," then it is a crock of sh*t.
I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I swear on this f*cking chicken I will never swear again. Oops.