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I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
Scariest thing ever: when a kid sings a nursery rhyme really slow.
How come "you`re a peach" is a complement but "you`re bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn’t seem so bad now.
I’ve noticed the less open-minded someone is, the more open-mouthed they tend to be.
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
So I harvested my tomato today, it`s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
You seem to be very educated on the things you make up.
On one issue, at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women.
If you read my entire Facebook timeline from the beginning, you can witness my descent into madness
I’m trying to read a book about how to relax, but I keep falling asleep
I hope when Bruce Willis dies, it`s from a Viagra overdose. That way the headline can read "Bruce Willis Died Hard".
Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine`s Day.