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My dog acts like his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
I`m a good singer. Unfortunately I have a bad voice.
Sometimes it’s the little victories, like depositing a dollar to avoid overdraw fees that make me feel like a responsible adult.
Sometimes, in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
is deep in thought . . . if only i could remember what i was thinking about
I dont know whats more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
If noone comes from the future to stop you, how bad of a decision could it really be?
Unless you fell off the stairmaster and a barbell fell on your face... no one wants to hear about your workout.
I`m starting to think that Dr. Dre isn`t a real doctor after all...
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
You know it`s a really good bar when there`s a couple outside breaking up.
I checked my horoscope today and all I can say is ...WOW!! I`m a Taurus and I looked it up and sure enough,it says I was born between 4/21-5/21!! Well played horoscope, well played.
I just kicked a can in my driveway and somehow ended up with a goal against Brazil.
Scariest Moment: Flushing the toilet at someone else’s house, and seeing the water rise…